When I was nine, I woke up in the middle of the night. Maybe I had a nightmare or something. I don't remember now. But the monster was there.
No, not him. My-- well.
He said he and mom were going out for a walk in the woods, and I should think hard about the guy with no face and hope he would come and take me away. For a while I wanted the man with no face to take me away because I was scared. I was a little kid. What else do you do? You think about being kidnapped. Running away. Getting away. I did. Fuck him, right.
That's what you spend all your childhood doing, then you grow up, and life moves on. Life was supposed to move on. And I never saw the man without the face when I was a kid, never, not even when my dad told me to. I'd pretend to because he wanted it, but I never did. Why am I here? Why won't he leave me alone?
He said they were going for a walk in the woods, and she never came back. I wonder if that's what they'll say about me? Went to sleep, and never came back.
Showing posts with label tired. Show all posts
Showing posts with label tired. Show all posts
5.7.11
20.6.11
Smile
Smiling is the action of turning the corners of your mouth up, and it has many health benefits. Smiling relieves stress, boosts your immune system, lowers your blood pressure, releases endorphins, pain killers, and serotonin, and creates what is called the 'halo effect' which increases trust in others and aids interpersonal relationships.
Laughter is a response to stimuli that serves as an emotional balancing mechanism. Laughter is one of the only universal constants in language. It probably came about as a warning, evolutionarily; it was a way for early humans and the like to signal less than serious injuries. To say that someone got hurt, but it's not serious and it was their fault anyway, so no need to help, they'll pick themselves up. Laughter is needed for human survival since scientists think it is integral to the limbic system.
Positive psychology is the study of happiness and how people can be happy and what happiness is and if happiness is actually anything, I mean, what are emotions anyway. Stepping blocks. Blocks in the way. Locked doors. Keep the doors locked. Do not open the door.
It's odd, you know, all through childhood, you're told to be curious, to open doors, to read and learn and talk, just not to strangers, but what if the man isn't a stranger, or what if mommy introduces you to the man, and you're trying to resist it because you're a kid and despite what they might say kids can tell when it's wrong, but mother says he's safe and he's good and daddy says go with him, learn, discover, explore, what then? Do not open the door. Ignorance is strength. I hated Big Brother. I was an Orwell fan in high school. Down with the man, fuck the system, transparency, all of that. And I still want to believe that if only the truth was out there everything would be okay. But keep the door locked. Please.
I keep lying to myself and hoping it'll work.
Still can't sleep.
Laughter is a response to stimuli that serves as an emotional balancing mechanism. Laughter is one of the only universal constants in language. It probably came about as a warning, evolutionarily; it was a way for early humans and the like to signal less than serious injuries. To say that someone got hurt, but it's not serious and it was their fault anyway, so no need to help, they'll pick themselves up. Laughter is needed for human survival since scientists think it is integral to the limbic system.
Positive psychology is the study of happiness and how people can be happy and what happiness is and if happiness is actually anything, I mean, what are emotions anyway. Stepping blocks. Blocks in the way. Locked doors. Keep the doors locked. Do not open the door.
It's odd, you know, all through childhood, you're told to be curious, to open doors, to read and learn and talk, just not to strangers, but what if the man isn't a stranger, or what if mommy introduces you to the man, and you're trying to resist it because you're a kid and despite what they might say kids can tell when it's wrong, but mother says he's safe and he's good and daddy says go with him, learn, discover, explore, what then? Do not open the door. Ignorance is strength. I hated Big Brother. I was an Orwell fan in high school. Down with the man, fuck the system, transparency, all of that. And I still want to believe that if only the truth was out there everything would be okay. But keep the door locked. Please.
I keep lying to myself and hoping it'll work.
Still can't sleep.
18.6.11
I'm not mad, I'm not, I'm not.
I'm happy and calm and I'm not scared or angry or sad, I'm happy. Happy as can be.
You lied again, you keep telling me that lie.
I'm not mad. Honestly.
But you keep telling me I am. Maybe I am.
But I saw outside. I saw the dark. I saw him. He was there.
But you'd think that if you were crazy. Wouldn't you?
I don't want to be mad.
I don't want to be alone.
I'm happy and calm and I'm not scared or angry or sad, I'm happy. Happy as can be.
You lied again, you keep telling me that lie.
I'm not mad. Honestly.
But you keep telling me I am. Maybe I am.
But I saw outside. I saw the dark. I saw him. He was there.
But you'd think that if you were crazy. Wouldn't you?
I don't want to be mad.
I don't want to be alone.
16.6.11
This Little Piggy Stayed At Home
The conversation, as far as I can remember, went like this:
"40 acres firebombed," the pustule infested swine said, almost bouncing with enthusiasm as if he could feel joy. "Now we just drop down the facility and away you all go."
I glared at him.
"Well," he admitted with a grin and a wink, like a con man or a gameshow host stage whispering details about the 'big deal' or the 'chance of a life time', "We had to nuke it on top of the firebombing to keep it contained, you know? The radiation'll probably give you cancer, but it's not like you'll live to appreciate it."
"Why are you telling me this?"
"I loathe you. I love to see you suffer. And in any case, nobody'll believe you, even if your thoughts don't kill you first."
As far as I can remember that's what he said.
But I can't be sure.
"40 acres firebombed," the pustule infested swine said, almost bouncing with enthusiasm as if he could feel joy. "Now we just drop down the facility and away you all go."
I glared at him.
"Well," he admitted with a grin and a wink, like a con man or a gameshow host stage whispering details about the 'big deal' or the 'chance of a life time', "We had to nuke it on top of the firebombing to keep it contained, you know? The radiation'll probably give you cancer, but it's not like you'll live to appreciate it."
"Why are you telling me this?"
"I loathe you. I love to see you suffer. And in any case, nobody'll believe you, even if your thoughts don't kill you first."
As far as I can remember that's what he said.
But I can't be sure.
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